As in my last blog I have felt that God is breaking down all the things I put my strength in. It's like an onion, there are layers and as you peel them away you eventually get to the core of everything.
As a defence to getting hurt I've done this layering I've blocked myself in shut myself in a small room and built up thick walls around me so that no one can reach me. It's like an analogy I thought up earlier. Imagine a cut, a large cut, it starts to heal and you let someone see it but instead of helping you to heal they get a knife and split it open again. You hurt and the pain is bigger than the pain before but you start to heal again. Then you forget that pain and you open up again and it happens all over again. Therefore as a result I have built up a protection around myself.
Recently I have felt that God is stripping away the layers and getting to my core to who I really am. It's really hard because I try to protect myself and to keep my barriers up because I don't want to get a chance to hurt me again.
I have to build my trust and faith in God and He has the power to get me through it. I also think secondly I need to open myself up to those that care for and love me and therefore want to help me. In away God has put these people there for me to lean on them and to see His love for me through them
Thank you Jesus you are opening my eyes.
Friday, 26 June 2009
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
I'm trying to get into the routine of blogging again yikes!!!
I haven't blogged in awhile been busy my computer broke down was too lazy to write anything plus I was scared to put my feelings onto paper in case i realised how difficult life actually is and was. Tonight was weird. I felt God had put on my heart the story of Samson Judges 13-16.
I have realised the possibility that the hardships that have been going on in my life could focus around the fact that God is testing me. Firstly possibly to see when I will lean on him and to see whether my priorities really do lie with Jesus. I think I have also come to the realisation that God is breaking down all the things I build my strength up on to show me just how unstable these things are. Therefore I need to place all my strength in God and all the things that i placed my strength in before need to be essentially broken down.
Going back to the story of Samson at the end of his life and the end of his story ch.16v.30Samson said, "Let me die with the Philistines!" Then he pushed with all his might, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it. Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived. What really amazed me about the story was that after he had all his strength stripped from him; God restored his power and he brought down the Philistine's and he did more then than he had in his entire life before that. In my understanding it can be said that God made him stronger after he stripped him of his original strength. I'm not in any way saying I'm physically like Samson no where close, but what I would say was that God is stripping away the things I put my strength in so that I am in a sense forced to rely on God to be my strength, to be my provider to be the person I hold on to in the middle of a storm and know that God is enough for me.
In the last few months I have felt attacked from every angle and I am not exaggerating when I say everything. I have been angry with God, I've blamed God asked him why all these things. I've come to the realisation I've been in effect ignoring what God says to me. I've felt God saying what about your time with me what about your studying of me and I've been ignoring it. I make bible reading plans read a bit then forget and i realise I need to be disciplined, I need to sit and meditate on God and to place my life in his hands. Today at training the speaker Dave Wisker said while he was sick he said I gave my life to Jesus when I became a christian therefore my life is in Jesus' hands why should I not trust. This same idea i should hold onto my life is in God's hands I should therefore live in that way.
Thank you Jesus I can have this relationship with you.
I have realised the possibility that the hardships that have been going on in my life could focus around the fact that God is testing me. Firstly possibly to see when I will lean on him and to see whether my priorities really do lie with Jesus. I think I have also come to the realisation that God is breaking down all the things I build my strength up on to show me just how unstable these things are. Therefore I need to place all my strength in God and all the things that i placed my strength in before need to be essentially broken down.
Going back to the story of Samson at the end of his life and the end of his story ch.16v.30Samson said, "Let me die with the Philistines!" Then he pushed with all his might, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it. Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived. What really amazed me about the story was that after he had all his strength stripped from him; God restored his power and he brought down the Philistine's and he did more then than he had in his entire life before that. In my understanding it can be said that God made him stronger after he stripped him of his original strength. I'm not in any way saying I'm physically like Samson no where close, but what I would say was that God is stripping away the things I put my strength in so that I am in a sense forced to rely on God to be my strength, to be my provider to be the person I hold on to in the middle of a storm and know that God is enough for me.
In the last few months I have felt attacked from every angle and I am not exaggerating when I say everything. I have been angry with God, I've blamed God asked him why all these things. I've come to the realisation I've been in effect ignoring what God says to me. I've felt God saying what about your time with me what about your studying of me and I've been ignoring it. I make bible reading plans read a bit then forget and i realise I need to be disciplined, I need to sit and meditate on God and to place my life in his hands. Today at training the speaker Dave Wisker said while he was sick he said I gave my life to Jesus when I became a christian therefore my life is in Jesus' hands why should I not trust. This same idea i should hold onto my life is in God's hands I should therefore live in that way.
Thank you Jesus I can have this relationship with you.
Friday, 13 March 2009
When life throws you a curve ball.
This month for me has been one of ups and downs disappointments and encouragemments all rolled into one. Probably more of a down than an up. This month has almost been like beat Tracey down month and make her feel shit.
Firstly, someone I hold dear was ripped away from me because I am controlled by my parents and there control over my life was restored by breaking my heart. I am also treated like a child by my parents and I am ordered around like I cant have a thought for yourself or i don't deserve to have a mind of my own too.
Watching The Simpson's movie I realised how wrong parents can get it and how they can't see the manifestations of their actions towards their children.
My parents have hurt me in so many ways emotionally but this is the last straw they are trying to take away my happiness. All I can do from here on out is pray that they will change their minds and that they will release me from some of their control and i can have a life.
Ok some of the hopefully good stuff I feel that God has been taiking to me and that i am not alone and that he is here with me in every situation. I feel more confident in my relationship with God and feel more able to talk about God to others so that is my highlight of the month so far.
Firstly, someone I hold dear was ripped away from me because I am controlled by my parents and there control over my life was restored by breaking my heart. I am also treated like a child by my parents and I am ordered around like I cant have a thought for yourself or i don't deserve to have a mind of my own too.
Watching The Simpson's movie I realised how wrong parents can get it and how they can't see the manifestations of their actions towards their children.
My parents have hurt me in so many ways emotionally but this is the last straw they are trying to take away my happiness. All I can do from here on out is pray that they will change their minds and that they will release me from some of their control and i can have a life.
Ok some of the hopefully good stuff I feel that God has been taiking to me and that i am not alone and that he is here with me in every situation. I feel more confident in my relationship with God and feel more able to talk about God to others so that is my highlight of the month so far.
Friday, 6 March 2009
Being bullied is a rough thing but what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.
I have been bullied through out most of my school life. When i started High School in Jamaica when i was 12 I went to a new school with my best friend she compleltly turned on me and she and her new friends made my life hell i used to make myself sick so i wouldnt have to go to school. When I was 13 i moved to England from Jamaica, people thought I lied about coming from Jamaica cause i didnt really have a strong accent and didnt fit the stereotypes of being jamaican. Therefore they picked on me cause they thought i was lying and that i was being uppity. I also used to sit down and read all the time and not chat about girly stuff and make up and crap so they thought i was being snotty or just being a loser. I then moved school cause it got really bad. I was then the girl trying to fit in trying to make myself the same as eveyone it never worked. I basically started pretending i was different to who i really was in about grade 10 and trying to fit in with a bad crowd. I ended up depressed and lonely. I got some new friends who realised I was quite a weirdo and then would talk about me behind my back. I have been bullied through out all my school life. I finished school last year and I have realised I am 1 not ugly 2 can make friends 3 have friends who do care about me 4 don't need to make myself depressed thinking about all the b!tchy comments made by those silly girls in my school life. I have learned alot about myself in the last year and i have realised all girls can be evil little wotsits just cause we moan about each other and b!tch about each other. Also I have realised being bullied is not a lifelong curse and if its endured even when thats difficult you come out the other side so much stronger for it.
Sunday, 1 March 2009
Loke! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
I can guess you are wanderin wats Loke it my new word for in between like and love cause you can more than like someone and less than love them so i believe a new word is suited to this feeling. I judge this on a scale of 1-10, 1 being like and 10 being love. It depends on you im assuming how far along the scale you are. he closer you are to 10 the more in love you are.
The reason for the new tracey word is tht i am basically in tht place. I think im on the lower side of five but above 2 lol but the loke is there. I think its such a hard thing to describe cause theres tht uncertainty and just the not knowing what it is the feeling you're experiencing is.
The feeling of loke is a strange one cause you never know what ur getting. It is however a good feeling cause its a happy feeling.
The reason for the new tracey word is tht i am basically in tht place. I think im on the lower side of five but above 2 lol but the loke is there. I think its such a hard thing to describe cause theres tht uncertainty and just the not knowing what it is the feeling you're experiencing is.
The feeling of loke is a strange one cause you never know what ur getting. It is however a good feeling cause its a happy feeling.
Wednesday, 28 January 2009
Insecurity
Life can be a battle and things around you can get you down. I get down sometimes and usually its because i have some bad insecurities and not great self-esteem. I always focus on what people think about me and worry about how they see me, because of this I'm forever thinking about how i look and how others see me. I always worry about whether im too fat or if my clothes are not good enough or if im worth to be around, I guess being bullied didn't help.
However over the past year God has been working miracles in my life. He has been showing me that he loves me and that I am his creation and that I am wonderfully and that he does love me. Psalms 139 is my most inspirational verse I have come to depend on it especially when I start to criticise myself . Verses 13 - 16 are the most important verses for this:
13For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.14I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.15 My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.16Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
God has made me and I am his creation so who am I to criticise his creation. God knows me inside out He has made me the way I am. I sometimes forget that and I fall back again but God just picks me up again and shows me his word and I know that he does love and that people around me do love me and do care about me and see beyond the external and don't see all the inperfections that I see. Therefore I shouldn't put myself down cause I have God on my side
However over the past year God has been working miracles in my life. He has been showing me that he loves me and that I am his creation and that I am wonderfully and that he does love me. Psalms 139 is my most inspirational verse I have come to depend on it especially when I start to criticise myself . Verses 13 - 16 are the most important verses for this:
13For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.14I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.15 My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.16Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
God has made me and I am his creation so who am I to criticise his creation. God knows me inside out He has made me the way I am. I sometimes forget that and I fall back again but God just picks me up again and shows me his word and I know that he does love and that people around me do love me and do care about me and see beyond the external and don't see all the inperfections that I see. Therefore I shouldn't put myself down cause I have God on my side
Sunday, 25 January 2009
Bognor Regis Weekend away
I went away with my church to a Newfrontiers weekend away at Butlins in Bognor Regis. It was definatly a great time of just getting to know my friends more and getting together and hanging out. On friday my family and i came in on the coach as mentioned previously. We got into our room and into the groove quickly both Debs and Danielle didnt get there till much later. When Danielle arrived she didnt have a key to her room cause the girls whos name was on the room hadnt arrived yet so we sat around for ages tryin to sprt it out eventually it was with a lot of drama. Then we found out that there were 2 extra spaces in the room so i moved out of my parnets room and into danielle's room. We then went to the meeting which was about the Holy Spirit and how there was almost what you could call a rediscovery of the Holy Spirit a while back and how this led into mission and cultivated an attitude to the nations of the world. The main verse was 2 Corinthians 10:12-18. The first point was 'Renewal led to Restoration' This part was that basically the renewal of the Holy Spitit led to restoration of the Holy Spirit in church and in people's minds. This was essentially when people started to move away from spirit deprived churches and nto the power of the Holy Spirit. This 'Restoration led to to Mission' The Holy Spirit laid on people's heart the need for us to evangelise. The way this was said was that we are made into a light for the world to bring those who are lost back to God. When i heard this i thought of a light and how people will go towards a light in darkness and move towards what is perceived as warmth and a shelter and a safe place which is basically God. Also in regards to ministry your personal life with God impacts on a wider spectrum than just you . Avts 18:11.
After the meeting was over we had a nice chilled time we decided me and a couple others to go to the beach and play ultimate frisbee basically the funnest game ever even if it does involve severe bruising and bashing that could be bacause we did it on a stone beach in the middle of the nigh and not on grass or on sand. I did get war wounds a proud busted lip teehee. Half way through danielle told me we had scored the biggest room with the double bed way kl. Had to go to Guest services and get room keys done up the first of many many trips. Chatted on msn for a while then went to bed.
The next morning i was up at the crack of dawn and danielle and I had a prayer and bible study time which was so great i just felt close to God the whole day after that. We had breakfast which was quite a hilarious time with ppl gettin 2/3 meals (this was a repeat of dinner the night before - the people in our 20s group are completely barmy and we are a wild bunch) The morning meeting was about God's vision for the church the praise and worship was just such a great time i just felt God's presence and really just felt so close to Him. The talk was lead by David Stroud. He spoke on Matthew 5:13, Genesis 1:26. In the talk he discussed how everything is a part of God's plan down to the tinyest thing. He spoke about the fall in Genesis 3. He suggested that thsi led to almost 2 worlds the good creation of God and the broken and twisted world we live in now. Some people can experience both they can see the beauty and the spirit filled moments and the bitter, twisted and evil side where people kill and maim and rape and rob and commit all types of sin. The sign of decay can be seen in so many different ways 1 through popular arts and popular cukture, 2 through violence on the street, 3 through poverty. The Church should be the salt and the light of the world and should be what gets people out of the sinful cycle of society. As christians we should look to shape and change culture.
After the meeting we all hung out around the site then we all went different ways i went and had a swim in the pool it had a way cool wave machine and loads of amazing slides and besically all round fun, I had a race against my dad and my sister across the bredth of the pool and i won even against my dad who is like 6 ft 3 the best feeling ever and im not even a super strong swimmer i can defintly manage myself but that was incredible. After this we went to the pub and had a drink with Debs and her friend and had a bit of a chill out time.
Part 2 to follow
After the meeting was over we had a nice chilled time we decided me and a couple others to go to the beach and play ultimate frisbee basically the funnest game ever even if it does involve severe bruising and bashing that could be bacause we did it on a stone beach in the middle of the nigh and not on grass or on sand. I did get war wounds a proud busted lip teehee. Half way through danielle told me we had scored the biggest room with the double bed way kl. Had to go to Guest services and get room keys done up the first of many many trips. Chatted on msn for a while then went to bed.
The next morning i was up at the crack of dawn and danielle and I had a prayer and bible study time which was so great i just felt close to God the whole day after that. We had breakfast which was quite a hilarious time with ppl gettin 2/3 meals (this was a repeat of dinner the night before - the people in our 20s group are completely barmy and we are a wild bunch) The morning meeting was about God's vision for the church the praise and worship was just such a great time i just felt God's presence and really just felt so close to Him. The talk was lead by David Stroud. He spoke on Matthew 5:13, Genesis 1:26. In the talk he discussed how everything is a part of God's plan down to the tinyest thing. He spoke about the fall in Genesis 3. He suggested that thsi led to almost 2 worlds the good creation of God and the broken and twisted world we live in now. Some people can experience both they can see the beauty and the spirit filled moments and the bitter, twisted and evil side where people kill and maim and rape and rob and commit all types of sin. The sign of decay can be seen in so many different ways 1 through popular arts and popular cukture, 2 through violence on the street, 3 through poverty. The Church should be the salt and the light of the world and should be what gets people out of the sinful cycle of society. As christians we should look to shape and change culture.
After the meeting we all hung out around the site then we all went different ways i went and had a swim in the pool it had a way cool wave machine and loads of amazing slides and besically all round fun, I had a race against my dad and my sister across the bredth of the pool and i won even against my dad who is like 6 ft 3 the best feeling ever and im not even a super strong swimmer i can defintly manage myself but that was incredible. After this we went to the pub and had a drink with Debs and her friend and had a bit of a chill out time.
Part 2 to follow
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